This dress was meant to end up on your floor
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
