What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize