i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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