my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
