as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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