When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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