I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
