just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
