if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
