shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
