I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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