My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
