Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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