I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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