I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
