I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
