Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize