Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
