That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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