I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
