just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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