I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
