If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Randomize
