things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
