I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
