I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
