Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
