So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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