When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
