Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
