I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
