there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize