I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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