My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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