party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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