If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
