there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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