the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
