there's paper in my vomit.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
