man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
