I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
