she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
