Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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