Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
