fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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