so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
