1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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