Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
