My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
