The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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