i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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