I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
