I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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