I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
