Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this boner is exhausting
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
