K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We talked him into tasing himself.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
