mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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