Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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